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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A Public Reaction

When I was pregnant, I got a few funny looks from people in town. As I'm a pretty paranoid person anyway, I thought it was ten times worse than it was. I was always expecting people to whisper about me when I walked past them, pointing at me, with disapproving looks on their faces. In a shop once, I was about 8 months pregnant buying shoes, there was a girl who looked just a bit younger than me with her mum, they were infront of me in a queue, and I heard her mum say 'scum'. I was furious, especially as I was with my mum and she didn't say anything to her, to make myself feel better I said in an especially loud voice 'God mum, I'm about to drop and that girls still fatter than me, haha!' about the young girl, which was true but her mum gave me the dirtiest look ever, and left the shop without buying anything.

Now Heidi's 16 months, and I'm nearing 17, I don't notice it as much. I went to a playgroup with her yesterday, and although it was obvious I was nearer to the babie's age than the other mums, they didn't give me dirty looks or anything. I have to say though, I was the only mum there getting down on my knees playing with my daughter, all the other mums were standing around talking.

Is society beginning to recognize that teen mothers aren't as bad as the media portrays them to be? Of course, there will be some Vicky Pollard types, but the majority of us are trying to make the best out of a supposedly bad situation, and most of us are coping just fine.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Letter to a Murderer.


I don't even know if you're still alive. Smackheads don't make old bones.
If you are, I hope you fucking die. You took away my sisters life without a second thought. I know you were off you're face half the time, but my sister had so much fucking going for her and you had to ruin everything.
If you got yourself clean then I hope that everynight when you try to go to sleep you are kept awake with the guilt of taking another persons life.
I have so many questions for you:
Why did you do it? Why my sister?
Did you ever care about her? Why did she take it? Did you force her?

It's been five years since she died and people have moved on. Did you know you nearly drove my mum and dad to kill themselves? Did you fuck. I was the youngest left to pick up the pieces, trying to be strong for my parents so that the whole fucking family didn't fall to pieces, do you have any idea what thats like?
My dad wanted to kill you, actually seriously take your wank life away like you did to her. I wish he had, because even though it won't bring her back, at least then there would be at least one sense of justice. If I saw you myself you would have five fucking years of grief on you.

You killed my family, and not just Debbie.

You know I used to think you were cool? I didn't know you were a smackhead because I was only 10, I can't believe my sister would go with a filthy scumbag like you.
Where the fuck were you when she went in a coma outside somerfield?! You got her on it and you left her to die. Words can't explain how much disgust I feel for you.

You filthy, dirty smackhead.

Yours sincerely

When to Let Go.

When you fall for somebody, do we ever really let them go?
I don't think we do to be honest. If you fall in unconditional and irrevocable love you wont get out of it. When the relationship is over, the feelings may die down a bit, but they'll always be there. When the memories start to fade you cling on to the parts that are too hard to let go, they keep you awake at night when you blink back the tears of the time you'll never get back
Because it's over.
Why can't we let go? Do we cling on to every last strand of hope that one day you'll reunite? Do you put yourself 0ut there hoping against hope that there might be the tinisest chance with them, just to be rejected?
Scientists can explain how our circulatory system works, tell us what happened since 8000BC yet they cannot explain how love works. If we knew how it works, we could prevent it and create a cure. It's one cure I would take without a doubt.

Monday, May 25, 2009

A Fear of Love, or Rejection?

Although I'm only 16, I seem to have acquired some sort of fear of getting into relationships with the opposite sex. My last string of relationships could be described as 'eventful' on the optimistic side, but to me they were total disasters. I don't know whether I'm expecting too much or something, but I can never get any satisfaction from any relationship.

In my opinion a relationship's key factor should be trust. For example, if my boyfriend wants to go to the pub with his friends on the weekend, he should be able to go without me sitting at home, wondering what he's upto. My brain cannot process this for some reason. In my mind, if there are females there, he WILL cheat.I'm incapable of trusting a man, great!

I'm not even one to talk, if I think there may be a hint of cheating in a relationship, I immediately distance myself so if the worst does happen, I'm prepared for it... And to prepare for it, I cheat myself. I'm a disgusting person really.

So now I've decided not to get into relationships at all, which has caused some discussion within my circle of friends. They seem to think I need a man for my daughter, which I totally disagree with.

What child needs to hear the sobbing of her paranoid mother?

I miss the closeness of relationships though, the security (sometimes), the warm fuzzy feeling, the excitement etc... But I'm not going to enjoy a week of all that for the weeks and months ahead of jealousy, paranoia, insecurity, anger and sadness that will probably happen in the weeks that ensue.

Of course, theres the other side to it too. If I reject all attempts at a relationship, I could miss out on the man of my dreams because of my ridiculous messed-up way of thinking.

So the question is, do we risk our emotions to see if we fall in love? Or do we hold back to save ourselves from possible rejection and hurt?

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Saturday April 11th 2009

Okay so I woke up this morning to the sound of Heidi screaming at 8am. It was a mistake to stay up late last night downloading films, even stupider for lying in bed reading 'Twilight' for the 100th time. I'm absolutely knackered, as usual, and I'm still waiting for my mum to wake up so maybe I can go back to bed for an hour, for the last time for a week. My mums going to Spain for a week on Monday, so it'll just be me and Heidi here. As I was saying anyway, the first thing Heidi did when she came downstairs was get her hand stuck in the VCR, again! trying to put the Barney The Dinosaur DVD box in. So I put the DVD in the right thing and shes sitting happily watching it, occasionally getting up and dancing whenever music comes on, she loves it when Barney sings. I'm only on the PC to try and make myself wake up for the day. Not that we're doing anything or going anywhere, we never do. It's Easter tomorrow, but theres no eggs in the house. I've already munched myself through three eggs this week. I was gonna get Heidi a small Milkybar Shaker egg, but when I went to buy one, they didn't have any left, they only had the big ones and I DON'T want to live in a house with chocolate smeared up the walls so I got her a set of farm animals instead. I think she prefers them to be honest, she hasn't let go of the little cow for days.
As I'm writing this, Barney's still on, Heidi's now got a bottle in one hand and a piece of toast in the other.
I just went in to make toast (for her), a cup of tea (for me) and to heat a bottle of milk (for her), and she followed me into the kitchen and opened a drawer, pulled out a load of takeaway leaflets out, closed the drawer and got her fingers trapped, whilst this happened, the microwave pinged, the toast jumped from the toaster and the kettle boiled. So with a crying child in my arms I made her toast, made a cup of tea and put the lid back on to her bottle, picked up the leaflets and gave Heidi her medicine.
I want to go back to bed!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Wrong Kind

I never attract the right kind of lad. I always get the scummy ‘bad’ lads whose idea of a good time is breaking into someones house, getting off their faces or beating the crap out of someone. And these boys are the ones who want a relationship with me..
The nice boys don’t want me, the ones who are intelligent or come from decent families, and if they do want me, it’s only for one reason.
I don’t know what I’m putting out there, or what kind of message lads get from me, but it really does make me feel like shit.
Why can’t I meet anyone nice?

Love Obsession

This is ridiculous, I tell myself this all the time. It’s impossible for me to hold someone so close to my heart for so long. How can someone who you once shared your dreams, hopes and life with change into someone you don’t recognize anymore?
We’re supposed to get older, change and become better people, but this obviously doesn’t happen to all of us. He’s turned into a totally different person to the boy I met. The kind, gentle boy who would do anything for me and usually did. It was the other way round, HE LOVED ME. How quickly the tables turn, and before you know it you’re left in the cold with no where to turn.
How am I supposed to move on from you? I’ve tried for two fucking years! I thought I had moved on when I had a new boyfriend, made new friends and didn’t see you anymore, but all it took was seeing you once more in the summer to change everything that I had convinced myself I felt. I was lying to myself, nothing had changed, and nothing still has. I love you, and I’ve never been able to say that about anybody before. I would do anything, all you have to do is say the word and I would be there. You don’t want me anymore and I know it. I just cling on to every memory of us in the hope that one day you’ll want me too.
I need to talk to you in person, I need to say all the things that won’t come out on msn, but you won’t even consider the idea of meeting me.
I’m still hurting bad, all I want you to do is hold me, kiss me and tell me everythings going to be okay. It’s been two years but I still don’t feel like its the end of us.

You once said to me “I don’t think of you as my girlfriend anymore, you’re my wifey, and I know we’ll end up together in the end.”
Unlikely, but stranger things have happened.

Motherly 'Love'

Before I had Heidi, I didn’t like babies or little kids, infact, I was positive that I was never going to have kids, ever. They were small, noisy things that cried when you were waiting in a queue at Tesco or threw things in restaurants, and then I found myself pregnant.

Suddenly everything changed. I was 14, with no reliable boyfriend, and I didn’t know what the hell to do. To put a very long story short, the minute my daughter was placed in my arms everything else I had ever worried about seemed stupid, now I had something even worse to worry about...
This purple, slimy, screaming creature was mine, and I have to take her home! I have to feed her, comfort her and make her feel safe, how the HELL am I supposed to do that, when I still go to my own mum for food and safety?!
After the first few weeks, I was still waiting for the supposed ‘rush of love’ to come, but it didn’t, all I felt was tired, and alone. I saw my friends once a week, but sometimes when I was out, I was dreading going home. I wanted to stay out, get drunk and BE a teenager, something that was taken away from me the minute I gave birth to my daughter.
I didn’t want to be responsible, I didn’t want to wake up early, I wanted to be like one of my friends who’s biggest worry was being grounded or not handing homework in. I really missed my old life, I was stuck at home with a 3 month old baby who didn’t do anything.

Yet, at the same time I coldn’t tell anyone because I felt ashamed, I thought people would turn around and say ‘I told you so, you’re too young to have a child’. I was coping on the outside but inside I felt wrong.
It all changed when Heidi was about 6/7 months old. One day she just started crawling, and I couldn’t believe it. The purple, slimy, screaming creature that came out of me, was actually a person. She could smile, she could laugh, and now she could crawl! Suddenly I felt such a passionate rush of love for the little girl on the floor that I wanted to cry. This was MY daughter and she needed me. When she crawled them first few steps, everything seemed to fall into place…
Now, 6 months later I’m like a different person altogether, I couldn’t imagine a life without Heidi. She gives me a feeling that no drug could ever simulate. It’s the best feeling ever when she learns something new that I’VE taught her, and shes getting bigger everyday. When I think about how much I love her, it hurts, and when she cries when she hurts herself it’s like a physical pain, and it makes me want to cry too.
Of course, I have the odd day when I’m feeling low, sometimes when I’m lying in bed I feel like I’ve made such a mess of my life but I have to remember that I’m a teenager and I still have teenage mood swings because of my hormones.

Now I feel like I’ve actually made it, I’ve survived the first 12 months of parenthood with a few minor scratches and bruises, but I’ve come out of it as a stronger person, so when I’m feeling low, all I have to do is see my daughters beautiful smile, and everything seems worth it…
Only 17 more years to go...

Friends, For Better Or Worse

Throughout my childhood, I’ve always had alot of friends. They were the most important thing in the world. I was the girl in school who had the new coat, new school shoes, new whatever. I was popular, if a bit of a bully at times. When I moved to Spain, after a month of being in school, I was back at being the popular girl in my year, and I had lots of friends, this lasted 3 years.
Me In Spain With Friends

When I came back to England when I was 15, I had nobody. I was pregnant, and my old ‘friends’ didn’t have time for me anymore. After the initial novelty of me being back, they forgot about me. And it hurt. I went out at the weekends, meeting up with acquaintances rather than friends. I didn’t understand why, I saw these people on a regular basis, but they still hold me at an arms length, not quite trusting, not quite liking me.

I’m different to all of my friends because I have a daughter. They don’t understand why I can’t come out everyday, why I can’t stay up all night raving like everybody else. What hurts more is the fact that they don’t try to understand, they don’t care, and this is what made me realise that I don’t actually have any friends anymore.

When I think of my parents, I notice that friends don’t mean much to them, they might see them once a month, if that. It makes me think, ‘is this happening to me? Do I have to grow up now, focus on work and Heidi, and stop seeing my friends?’

When I had Heidi, I knew I was giving up most of my social life, I realised and accepted it. What I didn’t realise was how much I was giving up. What else I didn’t realise is, all my friends weren’t my friends. Not one person came to see me when I was in hospital apart from family, no one came to see Heidi, to see me. I’ve lived in my house for a year and a half now, and I can count on one hand how many people have been.

It’s not fair! I’m a nice person, I’m trustworthy, reliable and funny (sometimes) but no one gives a shit. It’s always me going to see them. I haven’t been out in a few months now, and no one has asked me to come out, they probably don’t even realise I’m not there.

Friends? Fuck em’

**The only exception of this is a miss KIJ who I love dearly**

Since When Did Being Sober Become Unfashionable?

I have never been that much of a drinker. Of course, I’ve been drunk, paraletic at times, but I’ve never drank for two days in a row. My ‘friends’ on the other hand, seem to be the next generation of alcoholics, or drug addicts. For example, this week is half term from school and when I ask my friends online what they are doing today, they say.. “Oh probz getting mashed or stoned”. All of my friends, with a few exceptions are under 18. Their lives seem to revolve around getting intoxicated with various substances. Strangely enough, its the lads who smoke drugs. Girls do it but not as heavily, the girls are the ‘drinkers’ of the group. When I say drinkers, I don’t mean a bottle-of-WKD-and-half-a-lager. I mean a crate of beer, litre of vodka and maybe a two litre bottle of cider. I used to have a drink every weekend at one point, but now I’ve gone off alcohol. Now, I’m considered boring! Because I don’t want to drink, I’m boring.


Humans are sociable creatures by nature, so why do we feel the need to get drunk or high to be able to communicate and socialise with our peers? When theres no drink or drugs to go round (I.E. theres no money to spend on them) People will stay out for an hour, then go home, claiming that it’s ‘boring’. It seems like I’m exagerrating, but really I’m not. Heres a conversation from yesterday with my friend:

Me: what you been up 2?
Her: not alot jus gerin masht n dat init lol
Her: Wuu2 todaii?
Me: Not much really, you?
Her: gerin masht lol
Me: it’s monday haha your liver is going be like a raisin when you’re 21
Her: Fk it man haha
Me: I haven’t had a drink since christmas day.
Her: fk tht.. Thats boring!

It’s quite scary to think that my friends cannot go out without drinking as thats what alcoholics do, in
my opinion. I don’t have to have a drink or a spliff to hold a conversation with someone, but trying to hold a conversation with someone who’s not sober is like pulling teeth, because theyre so off their faces and can’t string two words together. Is insecurities or a lack of confidence the reason behind so much drinking? Do we have to lose all our inhibitions to talk to our friends? When it comes to either sitting on a park bench, unable to keep my head up with a £3 bottle of cider clutched in my hands, sick stuck to my hair and dirt smudged all over my face, or a nice cup of tea at home with a scary DVD, I would pick the cup of tea anytime.
Maybe I’m just getting old, but after all, I’m only 16.