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Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Normal Life

So.. Lifes pretty damn normal now I don't seem to have anything to write about!
I've settled in at my new job. I work at a place called Taybarns which is an all you can eat buffet and I just have to serve drinks and clear plates. I like it though, its a laugh and the money is okay.
At home, Sams settling into being a stay at home dad. The other day I spent alot of time making cleaning rotas and Heidi's schedule so we can be more organized, we've got to be the most disorganized family in the world!
It's Heidi's 3rd Birthday soon, and I'm starting to plan what we'e going to do for the day. I'm thinking about going to Drayton Manor theme park or maybe the zoo.
NB: I've just checked the website and Drayton Manor is shut in Feb, so It looks like we're going to the zoo.
Also, I'm going to try my hand at decorating my house. I've never decorated before but I've got some good ideas :) I'm having a new sofa, painting and putting wallpaper up and i'm going to try and turn my old scabby table into a mosaic table top and the picture I've got in my head is really nice (lets just hope it turns out like that).
My life has completely turned around from a few months ago and I'm really optimistic.
And shhh but I'm hoping to have another baby soon. Heidi's at that age and I would like to have my kids  roughly around the same time.
Watch this space!

Monday, September 27, 2010

First Night at Work

Sooo I got offered a job at Taybarns, I accepted as its closer to me than Tesco, and the pay is basically the same + I get more hours there.
I started last night at 6pm for a trial shift to see if I liked the work or not. MY GOD it was hectic in there and there is literally no stopping at all.
But I like it, I'm proud of myself for getting a job, even though its minimum wage it's still a job!
I basically have to pick up dirty plates, talk to customers, clean tables and take the dishes to be washed.
It's not hard, but it's not boring either.
There isn't any time to stop and talk to the other employees, but thats good for me as I didn't go to work to make friends.
I get paid on a Friday (woop!) so I'll have money for the weekend and I start properly tomorrow with a 9 hour shift, 12pm - 9pm.
I'll let you know how I get on..

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Another Interview

I've got another interview today at an all-you-can-eat buffet. I know I've got a job at Tesco but I really don't like the hours and this place (Taybarns) is closer to get to.
I've got a scooter now aswell woo! so I can get to work, and I've got my CBT on Friday so I'll be driving soon!
Ooh it was my 18th birthday on Tuesday aswell and I went for a photoshoot as a kind of present. The photographer sent me some samples but I wont get all of the pictures for another two weeks.. Here are the samples..

Just updating you all :)
Ciao for now x

Friday, September 17, 2010

I've Got A Job!!!

Soooo I got offered a job!
It's at Tesco and I'm over the moon really :)
BUT (theres always a but!) the hours are terrible.
Mon, Tues, Fri, Sat.. 5pm-10:15pm So I'm going be stuck in the city centre on my own at night on a weekend.
I'm going to do my CBT and get a 125cc scooter so I don't have to wait around in dodgy bus stations late at night, so basically it's going to cost me about £650 just to start working!
Ah well, at least when I've got my scooter sorted I'll be able to apply for alot more places.
AND I'm 18 on Tuesday, so I'll be able to work in alot more places too!
Things are starting to look up :)
One thing I'm quite gutted about though is that my mum and dad are moving back to Spain and I'm staying here. So I'm not going to have my mums support and when I think about it I get really upset. They've hardly given me any warning aswell, as they're going on 4th October.
I need to let my mum go as she was having problems with my dad living over there and with her staying here with me, and she thinks I will really thrive if I'm not depending on her all the time.
I could go straight back to how I was, or I can become someone who I can be proud of.
I've got a house, job, a stable partner and a beautiful daughter, I couldn't really ask for more!

Monday, September 6, 2010

No luck

I didn't get the sainsburys job. Obviously they want a non-English speaking person to work behind their roast chicken counter, it's not like they have to speak to english people everyday.
This country really is all about the foreigners, I'd heard it before but I thought it was just people being racist but now I've had a first hand experience with a British company putting people from other countries first.
I am more than qualified for that job. I would of suited that job perfectly. I would of been able to work in that job without trying to learn more english vocabulary.
But no, give OUR jobs to the asian community.

Saturday, September 4, 2010


So I've been for two interviews this week..
The first one was for a care home in Newcastle, I think it went really well, but they haven't got back to me yet, so I'm not holding out much hope.
& then today I went for an interview at Sainsburys and I've had the worst day ever!
My interview was for 3:30pm, so I got on the bus at 2:40pm hoping to be there for about 3:15pm.
The bus broke down in the middle of effing nowhere for 25 minutes, which made me late. I ran from the bus station in killer heels to Newcastle college where I was going for my interview, and when I arrived it had a big sign on the door saying 'Sainsburys Interviews are at the store on Liverpool Road' So I had to run back through Newcastle to get to Sainsburys, I arrived there at 4pm, sweating and out of breath and I also fell over in the middle of town in front of loads of people which did wonders for my confidence.
The interview went fine, apart from being half an hour late.
Now I had to get to the bus station by 5:20pm to get the last bus back to my house.
But the bus company had decided to change its times last month and the last bus was at 5:00pm, great.
So I thought I'd get on the bus that goes to the nearest to my house, but I got it wrong AGAIN and ended up in the town centre which is about 3 miles from my house.
I was wearing 6 inch stilettos and I live in the countryside, the walk was all uphill and I was also carrying two loaves of bread and 8 pints of milk.
I got lost twice because I've never had to walk it before and now I'm just feeling totally depressed because I don't think I'm going to get the job.
There was about eight of us at the interview, and I was the only white person and the only one who was obviously native English.
I just feel totally depressed, like I'm never getting anywhere and it seems like so much effort.
I really need to sort my life out.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Quick job update

I've got two interviews!
One for a care home on the 1st September
& one for sainsburys on 4th September
I'll let you know how I get on x

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Continuing the job hunt!

Right, thats it!
I've had enough!
When you hear about young unemployed people, you assume they are all dole dossing people who can't be bothered to get a job.
In my experience, this is NOT true.
In the past four months, I have applied for over 37 vacancies and have attended 3 interviews.
I've applied for absolutely everywhere, and I'm gonna post on here where/what I've applied for.
  1. Phones 4 u
  2. Greggs (x2)
  3. Webbs
  4. NHS care assistant
  5. Administrative council job
  6. Apprenticeships (x5)
  7. AAlco
  8. Tern consultancy
  9. arcade assistant
  10. Coin processor
  11. Administrative job with Staffs Moorlands
  12. Help the aged
  13. Datatec group
  14. Esporta
  15. Lloyds TSB
  16. ASDA
  17. KFC
  18. New look
  19. James Brindley High school
  20. Swimming teacher apprenticeship
  21. Sainsburys
  22. Select
  23. Odeon
  24. Matalan
  25. WHSmith
  26. FM recruit
  27. Macdonalds
  28. Co-op
  29. Care assitant Mill Rise
  30. Subway
  31. Warehouse assistant
  32. production operative
  33. Shop assistant
  34. Sales assistant
  35. Receptionist
  36. JJB sports
  37. Laundry assistant.
Still NO Job!!
I think the thing holding me back is my experience, but ffs I'm 17, I haven't got any experience!
I've got good qualifications and NO ONE will give me a chance.
My mum doesn't pay for me, and as I'm not old enough to claim jobseekers I have to live on basically nothing. Sam gets £100 every two weeks, but it isnt enough for both of us.
I get up early to take CVs everywhere, I apply for about 2 jobs a day and now I'm really starting to think I'm never going to get one!
Rant Over.
If anyone can think of anywhere else I can apply for - don't hesistate to post a comment!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

December 2003 - February 2004

It was christmas and my family and I were all at home.
My mum, sister and I were watching Jaws on tele, and my dad was snoring on the sofa.
It was the last time our family did anything together, because two months later my sister was dead.
21 and a heroin addict, she took an overdose on paracetamol because she couldnt take life anymore.
It was a cry for help, she didn't mean to kill herself.
She was taken into hospital and she was fine, ready to be discharged the next day.
She fell into a coma that night and never woke up.
Nothings ever been the same since then.
I miss her.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Back To Nothing

I think I've got some sort of personality disorder, or depression.
I can't have a normal relationship with Sam, we always fall out and I get really upset by our arguments and I always cry. Even though we always make it back up again.
The situation with my mum has just broken down, she resents the fact that I'm still with Sam and she said she can't take it anymore because when we fall out I always come back to my mums house and she has to deal with it.
I can't stop thinking about suicide, I've got no home, no job, no friends and no life. So whats the point?
I know I've got my daughter, Heidi but she doesn't need a mother like me, one who can't provide any kind of stability for her... and even my mums taken over looking after her because I do such a shit job.
I hate myself.
Seriously, and all I can do about it is cry. I don't know how to live my life anymore, everything just gets worse as time progresses.
This is just a cry for help, but I don't know who I can turn to.
My mum has helped all she can and I can't rely on her anymore.. I rely on Sam too much for things and soon he's going to get sick of me and finish me.
I can't rely on myself, because whenever i try to do something it fails.
I've failed life before it's even begun.
I've been off drugs for months so its not them thats affecting me.. I'm actually like this when I'm straight.
People have told me to grow up and I'm trying to... I really am... I just can't do it.
I'm giving up,
What a mess.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Army Babe

So I've been reading up about joining the army.
Yeah, I know, doesn't sound like me!
I've never really considered it before, because of Heidi but now my mums looking after her I can see it as being a potential career goal for me.
After a lot of research, I've narrowed my choices down to three jobs:
  • Student Nurse
  • Military Policewoman
  • Electronic warfare systems operator
I've applied to join today, and they'll contact me within the next ten days.
Now I took the online BARB test and got 79/80, and I passed the English and Maths so hopefully I'll have a chance with this!
I'm only bothered about the physical side of things, So better get my dusty old trainers out of the closet and start running!
Watch this space!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Job Hunt

Carrying on from my last post...
So we got paid our job seekers, and then the next Tuesday we didn't get paid - AGAIN.
Cutting a long story short, they've stopped paying us, and cancelled our claim, so we're back to square one again regarding money.
I went for an interview for an apprenticeship yesterday and i really liked the idea of it, the woman who interviewed me was really nice and seemed to like me too. I went back today for a second interview with the manager and found out that the job is nothing like it was advertised. I applied for administration and the vacancy is for basically telesales!
So I don't want that job..
I got a call today for another interview for administration in a warehouse, the interview is tomorrow at 8:30am
Just as I'm writing this the post came, I got a letter from another job I applied for as a sales assistant and they're processing my application.
So hopefully it seems as though I'll be getting a job soon. Today Sam and I went through the newspaper circling jobs and rang up about them too. We also rang up about a house with no deposit, and they're ringing me back today.

On another note, me and Sam are getting on really well, hardly any arguments and I'm really happy :)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


I can't believe how much everything has changed in just a few days!
We haven't been paid jobseekers in the past few weeks, so Sam and I have been basically living on no money. It's crap when you can't even afford to buy tea, and it's not like I'm not actively looking for work. In the past few weeks I've applied for Phones 4 U, ASDA, Tesco, Debenhams, Greggs and other small shops but to no avail. I've just been sent an application form though for a shop selling panasonic electrical equipment, so hopefully I'll get an interview.
*Good luck to me!*
So back onto the jobseekers, We haven't been paid because they've checked the records and because we've been made homeless they didn't change our details and they stopped paying. Great isn't it, become homeless and then they won't give you money!
I've seen a flat though for me and Sam, its £65 per week so we'll be able to afford that on benefits. Anyway we'll be paid by this thursday they've said.. and then we get paid again on tuesday! :) I need to get something to wear for interviews, as all my 'smart' clothes are too big or too small.
Thanks for reading, and I'll post a photo of what I buy :)

Sunday, May 30, 2010

ANDDD Back Again

So I got back with Sam :)
This time though we're taking a totally different approach. We're spending more time apart so when we do get time together, its more quality than quantity.
We're learning to trust again, and tonight I'm at my mums house while he's out, and I'm trusting him to not take anything (drugs wise) and to not stay out all night. He's trusting me by believing that I'm staying in my mums house, and not going out to meet other people to get off it.
I'm really happy! It seems like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and me and Sam are having fun again, like when we first got together.
I think you'll all be happy to know I'm off MCAT, haven't had it or wanted it for four weeks now. I must admit I did a couple of weekend binges on speed, but that drug is definitely NOT for me as it made me hallucinate and made me feel really bad.. So there is no worries there.
I feel like I'm finally getting my life back.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Magpie Fever

I like astrology, maybe because I don't believe in any particular religion I like to think that there is some reason why we are all here. Sometimes horoscopes can be scarily accurate too, and with regards to superstition and old wives tales, the only thing I believe in is magpies.

Every time I see one magpie I have a horrible day, and it follows me about all day too! I know it might not be the same one, but I'll see one quite far away.. and as the day goes on it'll get closer and closer.. and by then I'm looking all over for two magpies together just so I can have a good day.

Okay so I'm a total freak LOL. I don't mind, everybody has their own quirks. At least mine doesn't hurt anyone!

Moving on.. I've always wanted a tattoo but I've never been completely sure on what I wanted.. Now I've decided I'm going to get TWO magpies, I just need to find a design or get a friend to draw me a design.

I've also added a tarot card widget on my 'ETC...' page if you fancy it.. click three cards and have your tarot reading.

One for sorrow,

Two for joy,

Three for a girl,

Four for a boy,

Five for silver,

Six for gold,

Seven for a secret never been told.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

05/05/2010 Finding the right balance.

Changing from an immature teenager to a fully fledged adult is hard, I mean you're happily sailing along at age 14 (when you think you're an adult and know everything anyway).. 15.. you can even get away with being an immature little sod at 16. Then you leave school and people expect you to know what to do next. As you probably know, I'm 17 and I have no idea what direction my life is going in.
In theory I know what I'm meant to do, or what is expected of me. I.E. Getting a career, settling down with a bloke, having a family etc.. But the change from teenager to adult is really difficult.. There's no manual on how to grow up, and parents are there to guide you but they can't exactly give you step-by-step instructions.
A problem I have in my life is balancing everything out and getting my priorities right.
I know when you've got no money you shouldnt be buying the most expensive toiletries and having too many nights out but when mother (or father) cuts the apron strings which have tied you to rules for all of your life I seemed to go a bit nuts. I literally throw my money at takeaways, make-up, hair dye and 'having fun' but when I've got no money and theres no food in the fridge I'm miserable.
I know I need to grow up fast, and I'm starting to question if I really am ready to fly my mum's nest or whether I want to run back and hide behind her legs when adult situations hit me in the face.
I just feel a bit lost. To be honest I think I WANT my parents to discipline me because it gives me that little bit more stability which is basically non-existent in my life.
My other half provides a fair amount of stability for me, but I can't rely on him to live my life for me. Heidi needs a secure mum, and I'm getting really better at being an actual mother but of course I'm still learning.
As I'm writing this I've just realised that this is probably what life is all about. It's not easy, it's really fucking hard! No one knows what's going to happen tomorrow so you just have to try and lay foundations today so that the next day things won't be so difficult, if you know what I mean?
The next thing I want to do is save money, which is really hard for me. I might actually use my blog to make a note of how much money I'm spending because in my head I know I'm spending too much (but I just usualy forget about it and think I'll save another day), but when it's written down infront of you, I might take a bit more notice.
Watch this space!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

20/04/2010 A New Me

To be honest nothing much has changed since I last wrote.
  • Sam and I are doing sooo much better now we're not nailing that shit.
  • I'VE PUT ON TWO STONE! - But I'm happy about it.
  • I have new idea's for jobs!
Right so my job ideas are a bit random. I got an email this week from someone offering to 'monetize' my blog by doing sponsored videos and posts, which I would like to do because I'm on the computer whenever I get a chance so I may as well make some money from it!
The other job is tutoring little kids Spanish. I've got A* GCSE Spanish so I'm sort-of qualified, and the money could be quite good.. Plus it won't be that hard teaching children how to say 'cat' and 'dog' in Spanish.

I also think you'll all be happy to know that MCAT isn't hardly in my life any more :)
Not having anything though is making me eat like a pig - I forgot how much I LOVE food.. I'm healthy again at just under 8 stone.

Not much else to write.. Think I'm going leave it until I'm emotionally drained and need to vent before I write again, because this post seems boring to me..
See ya!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


This is just a quick post to update everyone whilst my pizza is cooking.
I'm going to watch 'Clash of the Titans' in 3D tonight with my cousins :)
Me and Sam are starting afresh, without any drugs and we're moving to a new town.
My mum and I are on bad terms. She hates Sam to put it bluntly, and she doesn't know I'm still seeing him.
I'm back at my mums house and Sam is still at his dads.
Heidi's fine :) as always.
I'm still applying for loads of jobs to no avail.
I'm starting my driving lessons again soon :)
All for now..
C ya next week!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

MCAT Meow Meow Meph-Head Madness

My experience of MCAT.

September 2009 - Tried one line at a party, loved it! Could still eat, sleep, had a mint buzz and no comedown!

October 2009 - Beginning to use every weekend with a group of friends including my boyfriend. Had one bad experience where I had a massive rush, couldnt handle it and started panicking. 20 minutes later I was fine though, and carried on using it.

December 2009 - Began to use it more frequently, using 2-3 grams every few days. Starting to feel depressed all the time, staying up for days on end, not eating (went down to 6.2 stone). I also started to have terrible rows with my boyfriend. I knew I was addicted by this point, but would refuse to acknowledge it.

January 2010 - By this point I was using it everyday. My face sunk and became gaunt. You could see all my bones, my face became pale. I wasn't eating hardly at all and when I did eat, I could only manage tiny portions. I could not fall asleep without having a spliff to bring me down. I was getting through about £60 - £80 a week on it and at £10 - £20 per gram.. thats way too much. I started to self harm and began slitting my wrists when I was coming down off the drug

February 2010 - Still using every other day, although slowly I started to bring myself off it.. My weight started to come back and I was feeling better. Although mid-Feb i relapsed after a terrible argument with my boyfriend and went on a bender for a few days.

March 2010 - Still using the drug, but not half as much as I used to. Lots of MCAT stories are now appearing in the news after the deaths of two boys after they took the drug. Doesn't scare me though.. because when you actually read into the stories you find out that it isn't MCAT that killed them.. They were also drinking (very bad idea) and took methadone (what heroin addicts take to wean themselves off heroin) to come down. Taking one drug is one things, but mixing a cocktail of drugs whilst drinking alcohol? that's just stupid ( I know I can't really talk.)
I haven't had one drink of alcohol since September 09, and I don't take any other drugs (apart from occasionally smoking weed) so the only way I'm abusing me is through meow.
I don't plan to cut it completely out as I'm now learning about control. Now and again is fine I think.. but constantly nailing it like I was, I was basically killing myself.

I wanted to write this because the lack of evidence and reports on Mephedrone is shocking. This drug is very VERY dangerous and the fact that 10 year old kids are taking it is just ridiculous. It reminds me of heroin (I've never taken it) because of how addictive it is. I've heard of people (mostly girls) sobbing their hearts out at 5am, not being able to sleep because they NEED 'just one more line'. Now these girls come from respectable families, they aren't council estate chavvy scum who have nothing better to do.
At one party I went to, there was a primary school TEACHER off her head on drone, crabbing and gurning her bag off on the floor.
*crabbing - having spasms in parts of your body and quick movements of your hands (a bit like when a crab clicks his pincers).. it happens when you're on upper drugs like pills, speed and mcat.*

Effects of meow meow:
  • Gurning,
  • Chatterting teeth,
  • Biting your lips constantly and tearing them.
  • Biting your nails till they bleed,
  • Constant talking
  • Looking around the room all the time
  • When you try to find something you can be looking for 4-5 hours straight and still be totally focused on finding something.
  • Euphoria
  • Feeling really happy
  • Loving everybody in the room
  • Paranoia
  • Hallucinations (one time I was absolutely convinced rats were running across the walls when i was trying to sleep. I had to go and sit in the living room for ten minutes to calm myself down because I was really panicking.)
  • Being gormed out to fuck.
The really bad parts in my experience.
  • Depression
  • Self harming
  • Really scabby nose
  • Really bad couging, bringing up lots of phlegm the next day
  • Purple knees, elbows and knuckles
  • Heart palpitations
  • Dreadful paranoia.
To anyone who reads this, don't immediately write me off as a drug addict. I am slowly but surely getting myself off this drug and have no qualms about seeking professional help if I think I can't do it on my own. My sister was a heroin addict and she died, so I know how badly drugs can affect people lives.
If you would like to comment or have any questions about anything I wrote in this blog, PLEASE don't hesistate to ask me anything. I hope to god no one goes through what I went through a few months ago.. and if you have never tried MCAT.. Don't even have the first line.. you could of just given yourself a life sentence.

Thanks for reading,

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

17/02/2010 - My Week So Far

Okay so I'm really trying to keep up with my blog this time.. and I do love writing them but I can't ever think of anything to write!

It's Heidi's 2nd birthday on Sunday, and she's already had her presents (books, a new pram, other odd bits) but I still haven't decided what to do for her birthday.. I seriously need to be more organised.

I think we're going to take her to Wacky Warehouse or the equivalent of it, as she hasn't been before and it will be a nice change. We were going to go to Alton Towers or Chester Zoo, but funds aren't high enough and she isn't really old enough to appreciate it anyway..

Also, this week my mum's gone away so I'm staying in her house with sam. We're currently moving all the stuff out of the flat as we've been evicted (too many 'complaints' but the landlords a tosser anyway) and we're moving into his dad's 8 bedroom house for the time being. Probably going to go look at some more houses this week too.. as I don't know how long it will last living with his dad, step-mum and 6 siblings all under the age of ten.
Can't say it won't be interesting...
I'll tell you how it goes next week :)

Eviction Notice - 01/02/2010

One month to get out.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Month-Late New Years Resolution.

Okay, I haven't written to my blog in a lonnnnng time!
I had really planned to write more in my blog over christmas and new years.. But something always manages to get in the way...
So, a few major changes have happened within my life during 2009!
To name a few: -

  • Got back with an ex, and it is now my longest relationship ever (7 months) which is a big yayy for me :)
  • Quit college :/
  • Started (and momentarily took a break from) driving lessons!
  • I now participate in an activity called *whispers* cooking. :O
  • And.... cleaning! *shudders*

Yes so, compared to the bratty teen you saw on 'Underage and Pregnant - BBC3' i have changed LOTS. I cook, clean and haven't been out in 3 months! Not been drunk since Sept '09 (my 17th birthday)! and now have a miniscule circle of friends compared to the ones i had last year.

I know i'm nearly a fully grown adult and everythings worth it in the end and all that - but being an adult is shite!

I hate being immature but I'm terrified of growing up!