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Thursday, April 9, 2009

Motherly 'Love'

Before I had Heidi, I didn’t like babies or little kids, infact, I was positive that I was never going to have kids, ever. They were small, noisy things that cried when you were waiting in a queue at Tesco or threw things in restaurants, and then I found myself pregnant.

Suddenly everything changed. I was 14, with no reliable boyfriend, and I didn’t know what the hell to do. To put a very long story short, the minute my daughter was placed in my arms everything else I had ever worried about seemed stupid, now I had something even worse to worry about...
This purple, slimy, screaming creature was mine, and I have to take her home! I have to feed her, comfort her and make her feel safe, how the HELL am I supposed to do that, when I still go to my own mum for food and safety?!
After the first few weeks, I was still waiting for the supposed ‘rush of love’ to come, but it didn’t, all I felt was tired, and alone. I saw my friends once a week, but sometimes when I was out, I was dreading going home. I wanted to stay out, get drunk and BE a teenager, something that was taken away from me the minute I gave birth to my daughter.
I didn’t want to be responsible, I didn’t want to wake up early, I wanted to be like one of my friends who’s biggest worry was being grounded or not handing homework in. I really missed my old life, I was stuck at home with a 3 month old baby who didn’t do anything.

Yet, at the same time I coldn’t tell anyone because I felt ashamed, I thought people would turn around and say ‘I told you so, you’re too young to have a child’. I was coping on the outside but inside I felt wrong.
It all changed when Heidi was about 6/7 months old. One day she just started crawling, and I couldn’t believe it. The purple, slimy, screaming creature that came out of me, was actually a person. She could smile, she could laugh, and now she could crawl! Suddenly I felt such a passionate rush of love for the little girl on the floor that I wanted to cry. This was MY daughter and she needed me. When she crawled them first few steps, everything seemed to fall into place…
Now, 6 months later I’m like a different person altogether, I couldn’t imagine a life without Heidi. She gives me a feeling that no drug could ever simulate. It’s the best feeling ever when she learns something new that I’VE taught her, and shes getting bigger everyday. When I think about how much I love her, it hurts, and when she cries when she hurts herself it’s like a physical pain, and it makes me want to cry too.
Of course, I have the odd day when I’m feeling low, sometimes when I’m lying in bed I feel like I’ve made such a mess of my life but I have to remember that I’m a teenager and I still have teenage mood swings because of my hormones.

Now I feel like I’ve actually made it, I’ve survived the first 12 months of parenthood with a few minor scratches and bruises, but I’ve come out of it as a stronger person, so when I’m feeling low, all I have to do is see my daughters beautiful smile, and everything seems worth it…
Only 17 more years to go...

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