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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

December 2003 - February 2004

It was christmas and my family and I were all at home.
My mum, sister and I were watching Jaws on tele, and my dad was snoring on the sofa.
It was the last time our family did anything together, because two months later my sister was dead.
21 and a heroin addict, she took an overdose on paracetamol because she couldnt take life anymore.
It was a cry for help, she didn't mean to kill herself.
She was taken into hospital and she was fine, ready to be discharged the next day.
She fell into a coma that night and never woke up.
Nothings ever been the same since then.
I miss her.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Back To Nothing

I think I've got some sort of personality disorder, or depression.
I can't have a normal relationship with Sam, we always fall out and I get really upset by our arguments and I always cry. Even though we always make it back up again.
The situation with my mum has just broken down, she resents the fact that I'm still with Sam and she said she can't take it anymore because when we fall out I always come back to my mums house and she has to deal with it.
I can't stop thinking about suicide, I've got no home, no job, no friends and no life. So whats the point?
I know I've got my daughter, Heidi but she doesn't need a mother like me, one who can't provide any kind of stability for her... and even my mums taken over looking after her because I do such a shit job.
I hate myself.
Seriously, and all I can do about it is cry. I don't know how to live my life anymore, everything just gets worse as time progresses.
This is just a cry for help, but I don't know who I can turn to.
My mum has helped all she can and I can't rely on her anymore.. I rely on Sam too much for things and soon he's going to get sick of me and finish me.
I can't rely on myself, because whenever i try to do something it fails.
I've failed life before it's even begun.
I've been off drugs for months so its not them thats affecting me.. I'm actually like this when I'm straight.
People have told me to grow up and I'm trying to... I really am... I just can't do it.
I'm giving up,
What a mess.