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Sunday, May 30, 2010

ANDDD Back Again

So I got back with Sam :)
This time though we're taking a totally different approach. We're spending more time apart so when we do get time together, its more quality than quantity.
We're learning to trust again, and tonight I'm at my mums house while he's out, and I'm trusting him to not take anything (drugs wise) and to not stay out all night. He's trusting me by believing that I'm staying in my mums house, and not going out to meet other people to get off it.
I'm really happy! It seems like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and me and Sam are having fun again, like when we first got together.
I think you'll all be happy to know I'm off MCAT, haven't had it or wanted it for four weeks now. I must admit I did a couple of weekend binges on speed, but that drug is definitely NOT for me as it made me hallucinate and made me feel really bad.. So there is no worries there.
I feel like I'm finally getting my life back.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Magpie Fever

I like astrology, maybe because I don't believe in any particular religion I like to think that there is some reason why we are all here. Sometimes horoscopes can be scarily accurate too, and with regards to superstition and old wives tales, the only thing I believe in is magpies.

Every time I see one magpie I have a horrible day, and it follows me about all day too! I know it might not be the same one, but I'll see one quite far away.. and as the day goes on it'll get closer and closer.. and by then I'm looking all over for two magpies together just so I can have a good day.

Okay so I'm a total freak LOL. I don't mind, everybody has their own quirks. At least mine doesn't hurt anyone!

Moving on.. I've always wanted a tattoo but I've never been completely sure on what I wanted.. Now I've decided I'm going to get TWO magpies, I just need to find a design or get a friend to draw me a design.

I've also added a tarot card widget on my 'ETC...' page if you fancy it.. click three cards and have your tarot reading.

One for sorrow,

Two for joy,

Three for a girl,

Four for a boy,

Five for silver,

Six for gold,

Seven for a secret never been told.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

05/05/2010 Finding the right balance.

Changing from an immature teenager to a fully fledged adult is hard, I mean you're happily sailing along at age 14 (when you think you're an adult and know everything anyway).. 15.. you can even get away with being an immature little sod at 16. Then you leave school and people expect you to know what to do next. As you probably know, I'm 17 and I have no idea what direction my life is going in.
In theory I know what I'm meant to do, or what is expected of me. I.E. Getting a career, settling down with a bloke, having a family etc.. But the change from teenager to adult is really difficult.. There's no manual on how to grow up, and parents are there to guide you but they can't exactly give you step-by-step instructions.
A problem I have in my life is balancing everything out and getting my priorities right.
I know when you've got no money you shouldnt be buying the most expensive toiletries and having too many nights out but when mother (or father) cuts the apron strings which have tied you to rules for all of your life I seemed to go a bit nuts. I literally throw my money at takeaways, make-up, hair dye and 'having fun' but when I've got no money and theres no food in the fridge I'm miserable.
I know I need to grow up fast, and I'm starting to question if I really am ready to fly my mum's nest or whether I want to run back and hide behind her legs when adult situations hit me in the face.
I just feel a bit lost. To be honest I think I WANT my parents to discipline me because it gives me that little bit more stability which is basically non-existent in my life.
My other half provides a fair amount of stability for me, but I can't rely on him to live my life for me. Heidi needs a secure mum, and I'm getting really better at being an actual mother but of course I'm still learning.
As I'm writing this I've just realised that this is probably what life is all about. It's not easy, it's really fucking hard! No one knows what's going to happen tomorrow so you just have to try and lay foundations today so that the next day things won't be so difficult, if you know what I mean?
The next thing I want to do is save money, which is really hard for me. I might actually use my blog to make a note of how much money I'm spending because in my head I know I'm spending too much (but I just usualy forget about it and think I'll save another day), but when it's written down infront of you, I might take a bit more notice.
Watch this space!