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Monday, May 25, 2009

A Fear of Love, or Rejection?

Although I'm only 16, I seem to have acquired some sort of fear of getting into relationships with the opposite sex. My last string of relationships could be described as 'eventful' on the optimistic side, but to me they were total disasters. I don't know whether I'm expecting too much or something, but I can never get any satisfaction from any relationship.

In my opinion a relationship's key factor should be trust. For example, if my boyfriend wants to go to the pub with his friends on the weekend, he should be able to go without me sitting at home, wondering what he's upto. My brain cannot process this for some reason. In my mind, if there are females there, he WILL cheat.I'm incapable of trusting a man, great!

I'm not even one to talk, if I think there may be a hint of cheating in a relationship, I immediately distance myself so if the worst does happen, I'm prepared for it... And to prepare for it, I cheat myself. I'm a disgusting person really.

So now I've decided not to get into relationships at all, which has caused some discussion within my circle of friends. They seem to think I need a man for my daughter, which I totally disagree with.

What child needs to hear the sobbing of her paranoid mother?

I miss the closeness of relationships though, the security (sometimes), the warm fuzzy feeling, the excitement etc... But I'm not going to enjoy a week of all that for the weeks and months ahead of jealousy, paranoia, insecurity, anger and sadness that will probably happen in the weeks that ensue.

Of course, theres the other side to it too. If I reject all attempts at a relationship, I could miss out on the man of my dreams because of my ridiculous messed-up way of thinking.

So the question is, do we risk our emotions to see if we fall in love? Or do we hold back to save ourselves from possible rejection and hurt?

1 comment:

  1. Just to recap. Everything I wrote in that post has turned out to be everything I did this year! paranoid sobbing.. yep.
    I think it's worth it... Love conquers all!


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