05/05/2010 Finding the right balance.

Changing from an immature teenager to a fully fledged adult is hard, I mean you're happily sailing along at age 14 (when you think you're an adult and know everything anyway).. 15.. you can even get away with being an immature little sod at 16. Then you leave school and people expect you to know what to do next. As you probably know, I'm 17 and I have no idea what direction my life is going in.
In theory I know what I'm meant to do, or what is expected of me. I.E. Getting a career, settling down with a bloke, having a family etc.. But the change from teenager to adult is really difficult.. There's no manual on how to grow up, and parents are there to guide you but they can't exactly give you step-by-step instructions.
A problem I have in my life is balancing everything out and getting my priorities right.
I know when you've got no money you shouldnt be buying the most expensive toiletries and having too many nights out but when mother (or father) cuts the apron strings which have tied you to rules for all of your life I seemed to go a bit nuts. I literally throw my money at takeaways, make-up, hair dye and 'having fun' but when I've got no money and theres no food in the fridge I'm miserable.
I know I need to grow up fast, and I'm starting to question if I really am ready to fly my mum's nest or whether I want to run back and hide behind her legs when adult situations hit me in the face.
I just feel a bit lost. To be honest I think I WANT my parents to discipline me because it gives me that little bit more stability which is basically non-existent in my life.
My other half provides a fair amount of stability for me, but I can't rely on him to live my life for me. Heidi needs a secure mum, and I'm getting really better at being an actual mother but of course I'm still learning.
As I'm writing this I've just realised that this is probably what life is all about. It's not easy, it's really fucking hard! No one knows what's going to happen tomorrow so you just have to try and lay foundations today so that the next day things won't be so difficult, if you know what I mean?
The next thing I want to do is save money, which is really hard for me. I might actually use my blog to make a note of how much money I'm spending because in my head I know I'm spending too much (but I just usualy forget about it and think I'll save another day), but when it's written down infront of you, I might take a bit more notice.
Watch this space!

A Fear of Love, or Rejection?

Although I'm only 16, I seem to have acquired some sort of fear of getting into relationships with the opposite sex. My last string of relationships could be described as 'eventful' on the optimistic side, but to me they were total disasters. I don't know whether I'm expecting too much or something, but I can never get any satisfaction from any relationship.



In my opinion a relationship's key factor should be trust. For example, if my boyfriend wants to go to the pub with his friends on the weekend, he should be able to go without me sitting at home, wondering what he's upto. My brain cannot process this for some reason. In my mind, if there are females there, he WILL cheat.I'm incapable of trusting a man, great!



I'm not even one to talk, if I think there may be a hint of cheating in a relationship, I immediately distance myself so if the worst does happen, I'm prepared for it... And to prepare for it, I cheat myself. I'm a disgusting person really.



So now I've decided not to get into relationships at all, which has caused some discussion within my circle of friends. They seem to think I need a man for my daughter, which I totally disagree with.

What child needs to hear the sobbing of her paranoid mother?



I miss the closeness of relationships though, the security (sometimes), the warm fuzzy feeling, the excitement etc... But I'm not going to enjoy a week of all that for the weeks and months ahead of jealousy, paranoia, insecurity, anger and sadness that will probably happen in the weeks that ensue.



Of course, theres the other side to it too. If I reject all attempts at a relationship, I could miss out on the man of my dreams because of my ridiculous messed-up way of thinking.



So the question is, do we risk our emotions to see if we fall in love? Or do we hold back to save ourselves from possible rejection and hurt?