Changing from an immature teenager to a fully fledged adult is hard, I mean you're happily sailing along at age 14 (when you think you're an adult and know everything anyway).. 15.. you can even get away with being an immature little sod at 16. Then you leave school and people expect you to know what to do next. As you probably know, I'm 17 and I have no idea what direction my life is going in.
In theory I know what I'm meant to do, or what is expected of me. I.E. Getting a career, settling down with a bloke, having a family etc.. But the change from teenager to adult is really difficult.. There's no manual on how to grow up, and parents are there to guide you but they can't exactly give you step-by-step instructions.
A problem I have in my life is balancing everything out and getting my priorities right.
I know when you've got no money you shouldnt be buying the most expensive toiletries and having too many nights out but when mother (or father) cuts the apron strings which have tied you to rules for all of your life I seemed to go a bit nuts. I literally throw my money at takeaways, make-up, hair dye and 'having fun' but when I've got no money and theres no food in the fridge I'm miserable.
I know I need to grow up fast, and I'm starting to question if I really am ready to fly my mum's nest or whether I want to run back and hide behind her legs when adult situations hit me in the face.
I just feel a bit lost. To be honest I think I WANT my parents to discipline me because it gives me that little bit more stability which is basically non-existent in my life.
My other half provides a fair amount of stability for me, but I can't rely on him to live my life for me. Heidi needs a secure mum, and I'm getting really better at being an actual mother but of course I'm still learning.
As I'm writing this I've just realised that this is probably what life is all about. It's not easy, it's really fucking hard! No one knows what's going to happen tomorrow so you just have to try and lay foundations today so that the next day things won't be so difficult, if you know what I mean?
The next thing I want to do is save money, which is really hard for me. I might actually use my blog to make a note of how much money I'm spending because in my head I know I'm spending too much (but I just usualy forget about it and think I'll save another day), but when it's written down infront of you, I might take a bit more notice.
Watch this space!
Showing posts with label dangerous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dangerous. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
MCAT Meow Meow Meph-Head Madness
My experience of MCAT.
September 2009 - Tried one line at a party, loved it! Could still eat, sleep, had a mint buzz and no comedown!
October 2009 - Beginning to use every weekend with a group of friends including my boyfriend. Had one bad experience where I had a massive rush, couldnt handle it and started panicking. 20 minutes later I was fine though, and carried on using it.
December 2009 - Began to use it more frequently, using 2-3 grams every few days. Starting to feel depressed all the time, staying up for days on end, not eating (went down to 6.2 stone). I also started to have terrible rows with my boyfriend. I knew I was addicted by this point, but would refuse to acknowledge it.
January 2010 - By this point I was using it everyday. My face sunk and became gaunt. You could see all my bones, my face became pale. I wasn't eating hardly at all and when I did eat, I could only manage tiny portions. I could not fall asleep without having a spliff to bring me down. I was getting through about £60 - £80 a week on it and at £10 - £20 per gram.. thats way too much. I started to self harm and began slitting my wrists when I was coming down off the drug
February 2010 - Still using every other day, although slowly I started to bring myself off it.. My weight started to come back and I was feeling better. Although mid-Feb i relapsed after a terrible argument with my boyfriend and went on a bender for a few days.
March 2010 - Still using the drug, but not half as much as I used to. Lots of MCAT stories are now appearing in the news after the deaths of two boys after they took the drug. Doesn't scare me though.. because when you actually read into the stories you find out that it isn't MCAT that killed them.. They were also drinking (very bad idea) and took methadone (what heroin addicts take to wean themselves off heroin) to come down. Taking one drug is one things, but mixing a cocktail of drugs whilst drinking alcohol? that's just stupid ( I know I can't really talk.)
I haven't had one drink of alcohol since September 09, and I don't take any other drugs (apart from occasionally smoking weed) so the only way I'm abusing me is through meow.
I don't plan to cut it completely out as I'm now learning about control. Now and again is fine I think.. but constantly nailing it like I was, I was basically killing myself.
I wanted to write this because the lack of evidence and reports on Mephedrone is shocking. This drug is very VERY dangerous and the fact that 10 year old kids are taking it is just ridiculous. It reminds me of heroin (I've never taken it) because of how addictive it is. I've heard of people (mostly girls) sobbing their hearts out at 5am, not being able to sleep because they NEED 'just one more line'. Now these girls come from respectable families, they aren't council estate chavvy scum who have nothing better to do.
At one party I went to, there was a primary school TEACHER off her head on drone, crabbing and gurning her bag off on the floor.
*crabbing - having spasms in parts of your body and quick movements of your hands (a bit like when a crab clicks his pincers).. it happens when you're on upper drugs like pills, speed and mcat.*
Effects of meow meow:
If you would like to comment or have any questions about anything I wrote in this blog, PLEASE don't hesistate to ask me anything. I hope to god no one goes through what I went through a few months ago.. and if you have never tried MCAT.. Don't even have the first line.. you could of just given yourself a life sentence.
Thanks for reading,
Kim
September 2009 - Tried one line at a party, loved it! Could still eat, sleep, had a mint buzz and no comedown!
October 2009 - Beginning to use every weekend with a group of friends including my boyfriend. Had one bad experience where I had a massive rush, couldnt handle it and started panicking. 20 minutes later I was fine though, and carried on using it.
December 2009 - Began to use it more frequently, using 2-3 grams every few days. Starting to feel depressed all the time, staying up for days on end, not eating (went down to 6.2 stone). I also started to have terrible rows with my boyfriend. I knew I was addicted by this point, but would refuse to acknowledge it.
January 2010 - By this point I was using it everyday. My face sunk and became gaunt. You could see all my bones, my face became pale. I wasn't eating hardly at all and when I did eat, I could only manage tiny portions. I could not fall asleep without having a spliff to bring me down. I was getting through about £60 - £80 a week on it and at £10 - £20 per gram.. thats way too much. I started to self harm and began slitting my wrists when I was coming down off the drug
February 2010 - Still using every other day, although slowly I started to bring myself off it.. My weight started to come back and I was feeling better. Although mid-Feb i relapsed after a terrible argument with my boyfriend and went on a bender for a few days.
March 2010 - Still using the drug, but not half as much as I used to. Lots of MCAT stories are now appearing in the news after the deaths of two boys after they took the drug. Doesn't scare me though.. because when you actually read into the stories you find out that it isn't MCAT that killed them.. They were also drinking (very bad idea) and took methadone (what heroin addicts take to wean themselves off heroin) to come down. Taking one drug is one things, but mixing a cocktail of drugs whilst drinking alcohol? that's just stupid ( I know I can't really talk.)
I haven't had one drink of alcohol since September 09, and I don't take any other drugs (apart from occasionally smoking weed) so the only way I'm abusing me is through meow.
I don't plan to cut it completely out as I'm now learning about control. Now and again is fine I think.. but constantly nailing it like I was, I was basically killing myself.
I wanted to write this because the lack of evidence and reports on Mephedrone is shocking. This drug is very VERY dangerous and the fact that 10 year old kids are taking it is just ridiculous. It reminds me of heroin (I've never taken it) because of how addictive it is. I've heard of people (mostly girls) sobbing their hearts out at 5am, not being able to sleep because they NEED 'just one more line'. Now these girls come from respectable families, they aren't council estate chavvy scum who have nothing better to do.
At one party I went to, there was a primary school TEACHER off her head on drone, crabbing and gurning her bag off on the floor.
*crabbing - having spasms in parts of your body and quick movements of your hands (a bit like when a crab clicks his pincers).. it happens when you're on upper drugs like pills, speed and mcat.*
Effects of meow meow:
- Gurning,
- Chatterting teeth,
- Biting your lips constantly and tearing them.
- Biting your nails till they bleed,
- Constant talking
- Looking around the room all the time
- When you try to find something you can be looking for 4-5 hours straight and still be totally focused on finding something.
- Euphoria
- Feeling really happy
- Loving everybody in the room
- Paranoia
- Hallucinations (one time I was absolutely convinced rats were running across the walls when i was trying to sleep. I had to go and sit in the living room for ten minutes to calm myself down because I was really panicking.)
- Being gormed out to fuck.
- Depression
- Self harming
- Really scabby nose
- Really bad couging, bringing up lots of phlegm the next day
- Purple knees, elbows and knuckles
- Heart palpitations
- Dreadful paranoia.
If you would like to comment or have any questions about anything I wrote in this blog, PLEASE don't hesistate to ask me anything. I hope to god no one goes through what I went through a few months ago.. and if you have never tried MCAT.. Don't even have the first line.. you could of just given yourself a life sentence.
Thanks for reading,
Kim
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)