When I was pregnant, I got a few funny looks from people in town. As I'm a pretty paranoid person anyway, I thought it was ten times worse than it was. I was always expecting people to whisper about me when I walked past them, pointing at me, with disapproving looks on their faces. In a shop once, I was about 8 months pregnant buying shoes, there was a girl who looked just a bit younger than me with her mum, they were infront of me in a queue, and I heard her mum say 'scum'. I was furious, especially as I was with my mum and she didn't say anything to her, to make myself feel better I said in an especially loud voice 'God mum, I'm about to drop and that girls still fatter than me, haha!' about the young girl, which was true but her mum gave me the dirtiest look ever, and left the shop without buying anything.
Now Heidi's 16 months, and I'm nearing 17, I don't notice it as much. I went to a playgroup with her yesterday, and although it was obvious I was nearer to the babie's age than the other mums, they didn't give me dirty looks or anything. I have to say though, I was the only mum there getting down on my knees playing with my daughter, all the other mums were standing around talking.
Is society beginning to recognize that teen mothers aren't as bad as the media portrays them to be? Of course, there will be some Vicky Pollard types, but the majority of us are trying to make the best out of a supposedly bad situation, and most of us are coping just fine.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Letter to a Murderer.
To GML
I don't even know if you're still alive. Smackheads don't make old bones.
If you are, I hope you fucking die. You took away my sisters life without a second thought. I know you were off you're face half the time, but my sister had so much fucking going for her and you had to ruin everything.
If you got yourself clean then I hope that everynight when you try to go to sleep you are kept awake with the guilt of taking another persons life.
I have so many questions for you:
Why did you do it? Why my sister?
Did you ever care about her? Why did she take it? Did you force her?
It's been five years since she died and people have moved on. Did you know you nearly drove my mum and dad to kill themselves? Did you fuck. I was the youngest left to pick up the pieces, trying to be strong for my parents so that the whole fucking family didn't fall to pieces, do you have any idea what thats like?
My dad wanted to kill you, actually seriously take your wank life away like you did to her. I wish he had, because even though it won't bring her back, at least then there would be at least one sense of justice. If I saw you myself you would have five fucking years of grief on you.
You killed my family, and not just Debbie.
You know I used to think you were cool? I didn't know you were a smackhead because I was only 10, I can't believe my sister would go with a filthy scumbag like you.
Where the fuck were you when she went in a coma outside somerfield?! You got her on it and you left her to die. Words can't explain how much disgust I feel for you.
You filthy, dirty smackhead.
Yours sincerely
I don't even know if you're still alive. Smackheads don't make old bones.
If you are, I hope you fucking die. You took away my sisters life without a second thought. I know you were off you're face half the time, but my sister had so much fucking going for her and you had to ruin everything.
If you got yourself clean then I hope that everynight when you try to go to sleep you are kept awake with the guilt of taking another persons life.
I have so many questions for you:
Why did you do it? Why my sister?
Did you ever care about her? Why did she take it? Did you force her?
It's been five years since she died and people have moved on. Did you know you nearly drove my mum and dad to kill themselves? Did you fuck. I was the youngest left to pick up the pieces, trying to be strong for my parents so that the whole fucking family didn't fall to pieces, do you have any idea what thats like?
My dad wanted to kill you, actually seriously take your wank life away like you did to her. I wish he had, because even though it won't bring her back, at least then there would be at least one sense of justice. If I saw you myself you would have five fucking years of grief on you.
You killed my family, and not just Debbie.
You know I used to think you were cool? I didn't know you were a smackhead because I was only 10, I can't believe my sister would go with a filthy scumbag like you.
Where the fuck were you when she went in a coma outside somerfield?! You got her on it and you left her to die. Words can't explain how much disgust I feel for you.
You filthy, dirty smackhead.
Yours sincerely
When to Let Go.
When you fall for somebody, do we ever really let them go?
I don't think we do to be honest. If you fall in unconditional and irrevocable love you wont get out of it. When the relationship is over, the feelings may die down a bit, but they'll always be there. When the memories start to fade you cling on to the parts that are too hard to let go, they keep you awake at night when you blink back the tears of the time you'll never get back
Because it's over.
Why can't we let go? Do we cling on to every last strand of hope that one day you'll reunite? Do you put yourself 0ut there hoping against hope that there might be the tinisest chance with them, just to be rejected?
Scientists can explain how our circulatory system works, tell us what happened since 8000BC yet they cannot explain how love works. If we knew how it works, we could prevent it and create a cure. It's one cure I would take without a doubt.
I don't think we do to be honest. If you fall in unconditional and irrevocable love you wont get out of it. When the relationship is over, the feelings may die down a bit, but they'll always be there. When the memories start to fade you cling on to the parts that are too hard to let go, they keep you awake at night when you blink back the tears of the time you'll never get back
Because it's over.
Why can't we let go? Do we cling on to every last strand of hope that one day you'll reunite? Do you put yourself 0ut there hoping against hope that there might be the tinisest chance with them, just to be rejected?
Scientists can explain how our circulatory system works, tell us what happened since 8000BC yet they cannot explain how love works. If we knew how it works, we could prevent it and create a cure. It's one cure I would take without a doubt.
Monday, May 25, 2009
A Fear of Love, or Rejection?
Although I'm only 16, I seem to have acquired some sort of fear of getting into relationships with the opposite sex. My last string of relationships could be described as 'eventful' on the optimistic side, but to me they were total disasters. I don't know whether I'm expecting too much or something, but I can never get any satisfaction from any relationship.
In my opinion a relationship's key factor should be trust. For example, if my boyfriend wants to go to the pub with his friends on the weekend, he should be able to go without me sitting at home, wondering what he's upto. My brain cannot process this for some reason. In my mind, if there are females there, he WILL cheat.I'm incapable of trusting a man, great!
I'm not even one to talk, if I think there may be a hint of cheating in a relationship, I immediately distance myself so if the worst does happen, I'm prepared for it... And to prepare for it, I cheat myself. I'm a disgusting person really.
So now I've decided not to get into relationships at all, which has caused some discussion within my circle of friends. They seem to think I need a man for my daughter, which I totally disagree with.
What child needs to hear the sobbing of her paranoid mother?
I miss the closeness of relationships though, the security (sometimes), the warm fuzzy feeling, the excitement etc... But I'm not going to enjoy a week of all that for the weeks and months ahead of jealousy, paranoia, insecurity, anger and sadness that will probably happen in the weeks that ensue.
Of course, theres the other side to it too. If I reject all attempts at a relationship, I could miss out on the man of my dreams because of my ridiculous messed-up way of thinking.
So the question is, do we risk our emotions to see if we fall in love? Or do we hold back to save ourselves from possible rejection and hurt?
In my opinion a relationship's key factor should be trust. For example, if my boyfriend wants to go to the pub with his friends on the weekend, he should be able to go without me sitting at home, wondering what he's upto. My brain cannot process this for some reason. In my mind, if there are females there, he WILL cheat.I'm incapable of trusting a man, great!
I'm not even one to talk, if I think there may be a hint of cheating in a relationship, I immediately distance myself so if the worst does happen, I'm prepared for it... And to prepare for it, I cheat myself. I'm a disgusting person really.
So now I've decided not to get into relationships at all, which has caused some discussion within my circle of friends. They seem to think I need a man for my daughter, which I totally disagree with.
What child needs to hear the sobbing of her paranoid mother?
I miss the closeness of relationships though, the security (sometimes), the warm fuzzy feeling, the excitement etc... But I'm not going to enjoy a week of all that for the weeks and months ahead of jealousy, paranoia, insecurity, anger and sadness that will probably happen in the weeks that ensue.
Of course, theres the other side to it too. If I reject all attempts at a relationship, I could miss out on the man of my dreams because of my ridiculous messed-up way of thinking.
So the question is, do we risk our emotions to see if we fall in love? Or do we hold back to save ourselves from possible rejection and hurt?
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Saturday April 11th 2009
Okay so I woke up this morning to the sound of Heidi screaming at 8am. It was a mistake to stay up late last night downloading films, even stupider for lying in bed reading 'Twilight' for the 100th time. I'm absolutely knackered, as usual, and I'm still waiting for my mum to wake up so maybe I can go back to bed for an hour, for the last time for a week. My mums going to Spain for a week on Monday, so it'll just be me and Heidi here. As I was saying anyway, the first thing Heidi did when she came downstairs was get her hand stuck in the VCR, again! trying to put the Barney The Dinosaur DVD box in. So I put the DVD in the right thing and shes sitting happily watching it, occasionally getting up and dancing whenever music comes on, she loves it when Barney sings. I'm only on the PC to try and make myself wake up for the day. Not that we're doing anything or going anywhere, we never do. It's Easter tomorrow, but theres no eggs in the house. I've already munched myself through three eggs this week. I was gonna get Heidi a small Milkybar Shaker egg, but when I went to buy one, they didn't have any left, they only had the big ones and I DON'T want to live in a house with chocolate smeared up the walls so I got her a set of farm animals instead. I think she prefers them to be honest, she hasn't let go of the little cow for days.
As I'm writing this, Barney's still on, Heidi's now got a bottle in one hand and a piece of toast in the other.
I just went in to make toast (for her), a cup of tea (for me) and to heat a bottle of milk (for her), and she followed me into the kitchen and opened a drawer, pulled out a load of takeaway leaflets out, closed the drawer and got her fingers trapped, whilst this happened, the microwave pinged, the toast jumped from the toaster and the kettle boiled. So with a crying child in my arms I made her toast, made a cup of tea and put the lid back on to her bottle, picked up the leaflets and gave Heidi her medicine.
I want to go back to bed!
As I'm writing this, Barney's still on, Heidi's now got a bottle in one hand and a piece of toast in the other.
I just went in to make toast (for her), a cup of tea (for me) and to heat a bottle of milk (for her), and she followed me into the kitchen and opened a drawer, pulled out a load of takeaway leaflets out, closed the drawer and got her fingers trapped, whilst this happened, the microwave pinged, the toast jumped from the toaster and the kettle boiled. So with a crying child in my arms I made her toast, made a cup of tea and put the lid back on to her bottle, picked up the leaflets and gave Heidi her medicine.
I want to go back to bed!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The Wrong Kind
I never attract the right kind of lad. I always get the scummy ‘bad’ lads whose idea of a good time is breaking into someones house, getting off their faces or beating the crap out of someone. And these boys are the ones who want a relationship with me..
The nice boys don’t want me, the ones who are intelligent or come from decent families, and if they do want me, it’s only for one reason.
I don’t know what I’m putting out there, or what kind of message lads get from me, but it really does make me feel like shit.
Why can’t I meet anyone nice?
The nice boys don’t want me, the ones who are intelligent or come from decent families, and if they do want me, it’s only for one reason.
I don’t know what I’m putting out there, or what kind of message lads get from me, but it really does make me feel like shit.
Why can’t I meet anyone nice?
Love Obsession
This is ridiculous, I tell myself this all the time. It’s impossible for me to hold someone so close to my heart for so long. How can someone who you once shared your dreams, hopes and life with change into someone you don’t recognize anymore?
We’re supposed to get older, change and become better people, but this obviously doesn’t happen to all of us. He’s turned into a totally different person to the boy I met. The kind, gentle boy who would do anything for me and usually did. It was the other way round, HE LOVED ME. How quickly the tables turn, and before you know it you’re left in the cold with no where to turn.
How am I supposed to move on from you? I’ve tried for two fucking years! I thought I had moved on when I had a new boyfriend, made new friends and didn’t see you anymore, but all it took was seeing you once more in the summer to change everything that I had convinced myself I felt. I was lying to myself, nothing had changed, and nothing still has. I love you, and I’ve never been able to say that about anybody before. I would do anything, all you have to do is say the word and I would be there. You don’t want me anymore and I know it. I just cling on to every memory of us in the hope that one day you’ll want me too.
I need to talk to you in person, I need to say all the things that won’t come out on msn, but you won’t even consider the idea of meeting me.
I’m still hurting bad, all I want you to do is hold me, kiss me and tell me everythings going to be okay. It’s been two years but I still don’t feel like its the end of us.
You once said to me “I don’t think of you as my girlfriend anymore, you’re my wifey, and I know we’ll end up together in the end.”
Unlikely, but stranger things have happened.
We’re supposed to get older, change and become better people, but this obviously doesn’t happen to all of us. He’s turned into a totally different person to the boy I met. The kind, gentle boy who would do anything for me and usually did. It was the other way round, HE LOVED ME. How quickly the tables turn, and before you know it you’re left in the cold with no where to turn.
How am I supposed to move on from you? I’ve tried for two fucking years! I thought I had moved on when I had a new boyfriend, made new friends and didn’t see you anymore, but all it took was seeing you once more in the summer to change everything that I had convinced myself I felt. I was lying to myself, nothing had changed, and nothing still has. I love you, and I’ve never been able to say that about anybody before. I would do anything, all you have to do is say the word and I would be there. You don’t want me anymore and I know it. I just cling on to every memory of us in the hope that one day you’ll want me too.
I need to talk to you in person, I need to say all the things that won’t come out on msn, but you won’t even consider the idea of meeting me.
I’m still hurting bad, all I want you to do is hold me, kiss me and tell me everythings going to be okay. It’s been two years but I still don’t feel like its the end of us.
You once said to me “I don’t think of you as my girlfriend anymore, you’re my wifey, and I know we’ll end up together in the end.”
Unlikely, but stranger things have happened.
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